What to Expect When Moving Mom

Overwhelm. Exhaustion. Confusion. Frustration. Deadlines. Fear. Doubt. Timing. And a little bit of excitement.

These are the majority of emotions your parent will likely experience during the entire process of the move—starting with the decision to move and ending with getting the final box unpacked.

My mother decided to move closer to family around 18 months ago. Since that time, she began the thinning process, certain she had PLENTY of time to get the project done.

Despite my frequent visits and encouragement from 500 miles away, it wasn’t until mid-November 2018 that she realized she hadn’t completed as much as she planned.

A few factors contributed to the problem:

• She is uncomfortable allowing “outsiders” into her house and fears exposing her private life. Her common argument, “There are things they don’t need to see and things I don’t want to share.” My reply, “You do not have a grow room in your closet and I doubt anyone is going to take an interest in your genealogy,” rarely made a dent. So any attempt to hire a relocation expert or other specialist—other than movers—was not going to happen.
• Older baby boomers or those from the silent generation are much more reluctant to give up their belongings. They survived the war years, the depression, and rationing so therefore grew up clinging to everything they owned, “just in case.”

Unless you live nearby—which would defeat the purpose of relocating a parent—then you will need to be readily available to overcome and manage these issues plus downsize and pack sooner.

As a result, the above emotions build up fast. Similarly, if your parent suffers from worry, anxiety, or depression, a move may exacerbate these tendencies more. Be prepared.

Tasks to consider a MINIMUM 6 weeks before the move

Social Security checks: contact your parent’s current bank, the new bank, and the social security office to alert for the upcoming move. Each will have their own requirements to transferring money and you’ll need to arrange in advance so these payments are not lost or delayed.

Bank transfers and closing accounts: discuss with the current bank and the new bank how to transfer money, especially large amounts. My mother found out that the old bank would not transfer more than $2000 PER MONTH digitally. You or your parent may wish to discuss with the bank a few months in advance to avoid payment delays.

Utility payments & automatic payments: contact the utilities in advance and arrange final payments. Find out if there are security deposits due and any things that must be returned, such as modems and cable boxes.

Security deposit: if your parent is renting, discuss in advance with the property manager what needs to be done to ensure a full return. The lease agreement should outline this but as long as the tenant is clean and cares for the property, your parent should expect a full return of their deposit. However, regardless of your attempts, some property managers are unscrupulous. Document and photograph everything to ensure the property is in the best of repair and care as when your parent moved in. IMPORTANT: if renting, check with the property manager on how much advance notice must be given to move. Some locations, including my mother’s community, must know AT LEAST 30 days in advance. If you miss this date, even by one day, you will be expected to pay rent in full, regardless if you are at the location or not.

Insurance: health, auto, life, home owners or rental insurance will need to be transferred or updated. Do this in advance as much as possible. It’s a little easier than working with the banks, but this does require making calls, having your records handy, and following up on the process.

Health care: contact all health care providers about the upcoming move. As with my mother, every one of her physicians insisted on a final visit before her departure. We were pleased they cared enough to follow up in this manner, but she was bombarded with weekly appointments, in addition to prescription updates and modifications. Add this to all the other moving activities and you have a terrific recipe for overwhelm.

Prescriptions: each state has varying restrictions but most prescriptions cannot cross state lines and won’t be honored. Your parent will need to find a primary care physician (at her new location) prior to the move and must have new physicians and referrals in advance. Your parent’s current health care providers will fill existing prescriptions to last 30 or 60 days, but this requires immediate follow up upon arrival at the new location.

Moving Company: my mother contacted a moving company 6 weeks ahead of the move. We discovered that most moving companies book at least 2 months in advance, but she was able to secure a company within that time frame. Note: begin your hunt for a moving company 4 months before your move. Check in monthly to stay top of mind.

The last few days

Meals: order in. Go out to dinner. Keep a few dishes and cookware handy for the last few meals or eat off of paper plates. Treat it like a camping experience.

Clothing: treat the last week or so before the move as a vacation. Have your parent pack as if she/he is going on a week-long vacation. Since most of us pack way more than needed, this exercise will give your parent more than enough to survive the last week in their soon-to-be-empty home. Plus it will make it easier to survive at the new location where everything is boxed up and dropped off. This includes toiletries, medications, and those little extras that gives your parent comfort. For my mother, this includes tissues, band aids, a washcloth, and plenty of warm socks.

Weather: be prepared for all sorts of weather. My mother chose December because her lease would end at the end of the month/year. Naturally she was concerned about winter weather, but her apartment complex would not budge from the lease agreement unless she paid an EXTRA $500/month above her monthly rent to cover the remaining months. As a result, she would have been paying over 6 months’ worth of rent in 3 months’ time if she chose to move in September. She decided to tempt the weather. However, it added to her stress as the colder weather settled in.

Miscellaneous: close library accounts and return all books. Arrange to have mail diverted in advance.

How to prepare yourself

• Remain calm
• Hire trusted friends and family—rather than strangers—on both ends of the move
• Do as much in advance as possible
• Give yourself—and your parent—extra TIME
• Plenty of rest, good food, water, and fresh air

Wisdom from a parent

I asked my mother what words of wisdom she would offer others in similar circumstances. Her advice:

“Get rid of stuff BEFORE the move! It’s better and easier to do this in advance rather than thinning when stuff is packed up and confused!”

Are you going through a similar experience? Share below and share with others needing advice.

Thanks!

Kristen Edens

Related reading:

Making the Move: Helping an Elder with a Long-Distance Downsize