How to Prepare for Caregiving – Whether It Happens or Not

Could caregiving be in your future?

Could you need someone’s help providing your care in the future?

These are questions we don’t want to think about or deal with as it means someone we love (or even ourselves) has suffered an extreme injury or illness.

A Caregiving Experience X 3.5

I never expected to be a caregiver, yet it happened overnight when my father suffered a household fall in 2009, which left him physically and mentally disabled until his death in 2015.

My mother suffered emotional effects from my father’s fall and needed assistance and emotional support during the last 6 years of his life. Then in 2019, her health quickly deteriorated until her death later that year.

My partner suffered a workplace injury in 2013, which slowly limited his capabilities. As his abilities diminished, my responsibilities increased. Surgeries in 2015 and 2020 have reduced his pain and improved his mobility, yet there are still adjustments and modifications to his activities of daily living.

Then, there has been the joy—and challenge—of raising my granddaughter through her early years.

While my story may seem an extreme situation, it is not.

According to Caregiver.org,

• Approximately 43.5 million caregivers have provided unpaid care to an adult or child in the last 12 months. [National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP. (2015). Caregiving in the U.S.]
• About 34.2 million Americans have provided unpaid care to an adult age 50 or older in the last 12 months. [National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP. (2015). Caregiving in the U.S.]
• The majority of caregivers (82%) care for one other adult, while 15% care for 2 adults, and 3% for 3 or more adults. [National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP. (2015). Caregiving in the U.S.]

With such a large number of caregivers, you are likely to know someone offering care, or may be a caregiver yourself.

But what if you are not a caregiver now? What can you do to prepare for that “what if”?

A Caregiving Experience X 3.5

Just as with everything else, it starts with a plan. That plan begins with a conversation. The conversation includes your parents, grandparents, other relatives, significant others, and adult children. Disability can occur at any age and any time, and therefore is not age-specific.

The standard wisdom is to start the discussion around family-gathering time such as holidays, birthdays, and events, such as graduation or weddings. In reality, however, who wants to have this sobering conversation during these otherwise happy occasions? A more realistic option would be to start with the person (or people) most readily accessible—parents, significant other, adult children. Other options would include gathering extended family members through video conferencing. This is not something you will want to “spring” on your family members; advanced notice will help prepare everyone for the conversation.

Once the opportunity is created, ask these questions:

• What are your wishes should you need caregiving?
• Who do you want to provide the primary caregiving?
• What are your health and financial concerns should you need caregiving?
• At what point (emotionally, physically, financially) do you want professionals involved in your caregiving?
• Do you want to move and/or downsize if caregiving becomes a necessity?
• Where do you want to move to if this is one of your requests?
• What do you want to avoid if you become a caregiving recipient?

The Perfect Time to Arrange Your Powers of Attorney

Each person must create a document which outlines their answers and share it with their person of choice, ideally, their healthcare Power of Attorney (POA). If a family member is reluctant to create their own document, have them appoint someone to do this for them; best choice is their POA! If none has been appointed, this is the time to do so. Establish POAs well in advance of any potential disaster! NOTE: the caregiving document doesn’t have to be complex; a WORD document or tool such as One Note is fast and easy.

The resulting caregiving document will include important contacts, doctors, specialists, memberships, and financial institutions. Gather information and update regularly–it’s easier to do in advance rather than when a person is ill, recovering from surgery, or unable to communicate. A word about passwords: each individual needs to gather all their passwords into a document or tool for “what if” and let their trusted family member know where to find it. For everyone’s security, there is no need to share this information ahead of time.

What Will Family Support Look Like?

Discuss with each family member what support they would be willing and able to provide. With parents, grandparents, or other relatives, siblings should be included. One family member may live closer to the potential caregiving recipient and be able to provide the daily care. If other family members are nearby, one may run errands, another could research support systems, specialists, services, products, and anything else needed. Another family member could be responsible for bill payments, follow up, etc. This person may be that individual’s financial POA. Arrange an annual check in with everyone to ensure their potential desires are updated and supporting family members’ abilities, desires, and contribution are accurate. If a caregiving event should occur, then the plan can be implemented immediately. Coordinating and conversation is the key.

In addition to these discussions, help yourself and those you love by getting certified in First Aid and CPR. Encourage your family to get certified too. The sooner we can aid someone in distress, the better chance that person has to survive or recover. Your action can make the difference between life and death rather than waiting helplessly for the paramedics to arrive. It may be you needing this immediate action.

When Family Members Don’t Get Along

Unfortunately, many families have rifts. If and when caregiving becomes a necessity, these rifts can widen or recover. Because of the unknown, it is vital for each person to discuss caregiving responsibilities and expectations should they occur. It’s far better to examine relationships and adjust in advance rather than to do so the instant help is needed.

As an example; my older brother hadn’t spoken to our mother following our father’s death. My younger brother had a 20-year grudge against the older brother and me. While my older brother was closest to our mother, he refused to offer any assistance. Therefore, I became a long-distance caregiver until she moved closer to me. Over the last few months our mother’s life, my younger brother and I were able to repair the relationship; my older brother remains distance.

If there is discord in your family, use this time to determine the wishes of each person. Your loved ones and even you will have caregiving preferences. Get those arranged in advance and follow up annually to ensure care and coverage is available. Caregiving is hard enough without family support.

How to Prepare as a Potential Caregiving Recipient

Much of what has already been discussed above applies to all of us. As you rally family members around to discuss caregiving possibilities, it helps to provide an example of what that should look like—who will be your medical and financial POA? Who would you like to care for you? What special arrangements will occur if you require caregiving? The more you go into the discussion with notes, discoveries, and your own documents in order, the more likely others are to follow that example.

As another for instance, my younger brother and my daughter have been asking guidance on how to prepare for their “what ifs”. This has been a great exercise in discussing fears, additional questions, and sharing ideas. You may find the same conversations continue with your loved ones.

A final bit of wisdom is to take care of yourself now. What health changes can you make to keep you healthier longer? If you already struggle with health issues, discuss with your medical professionals ways to improve your circumstances.

Caregiving is a huge unknown that the best option now is to prepare. If the situation arises, then focus can be on the tasks ahead rather than figuring it all out in the stress and emotion of the moment.

Kristen

photo credit: Pixabay