Orphaned at 55: Acting as POA Part 2

For many who follow me, you know my second act began in 2009, following a divorce and near-broke move across the country. This marked the beginning of my entrepreneurial and freelance lifestyle. The second big transition occurred following my father’s death in 2015. I didn’t know it at the time, but those events lead to me “niching down” my blog and my business.

Since that time, my client base has tripled. I have appeared on several radio shows, podcasts, and have been featured on several niched blogs and online publications. Then, most recently, a personal goal was realized: I became a speaker at FinCon, a national conference dedicated to media and financial experts across the country; I also became a finalist for their Plutus Awards under the category of Best Boomer or GenX Blog.

Being nominated was a massive goal and affirmation to my business re-direction. Becoming a finalist was beyond amazing—especially with the talented bloggers in our category! Then, if I had won, I would have been in a daze of joy and mixed emotions. Not necessarily because I would have won—well, maybe a little—but because 3 hours earlier, I got the announcement that my mother had died. As a result, I don’t think I could have entered the stage without sobbing.

Once again, forward momentum is changing. Three years ago, I was still figuring out myself, my business, and my blogging direction. Today, I’m tearfully curious and excited to discover what next big adventures, opportunities, and changes will occur. Even better: I welcome them.

However, this last week hasn’t been an easy one. In addition to FinCon recovery, I’ve been deep into fulfilling the numerous financial and legal tasks that my mother has left undone. For instance, my mother died on Friday, three days before an appointment with an attorney to make some critical changes to her documents. As power of attorney, the tasks now fall into my lap—complicated by the high emotions following the death of a loved one. For the first part of the story, read: Putting Your Power—of Attorney—To Work.

First and foremost, one is never ready for when a death occurs. Most important lesson learned: do not postpone! There is no time like the present to get those changes done. If your parent, partner, or adult child balks, INSIST! I would also add that an unspoken responsibility as POA is to lovingly nudge your parent or partner to “get it done”. At one point in August, just after my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer, I suggested we get to work on reviewing and updating her records. She reluctantly agreed, yet as I mentioned it to her a second time, she threw back at me, “Why are you pressing me? The doctor said I had two years! There is plenty of time. Back OFF!” Unfortunately, she didn’t survive a month. It’s old, likely worn-out advice, but still vitally true: GET IT DONE! This applies to your life too.

Below are other lessons learned to help you prepare yourself and your family in order to avoid the headaches and hassles I am encountering.

1. Once a loved one dies, someone must inform the hospital staff, EMT, (or other personnel) what that person’s burial wishes are. Make sure the information is known! (Thankfully I knew my mother’s wishes. My brother, who was present at the time of her death, did not).
2. Don’t do it all yourself! My mother named me as—everything: financial and medical POA, executor, and primary family contact. At the time, I was honored. Now that I’m in the midst of it, I’m extremely overwhelmed. It is way too much for one person to manage and creates many stressful, sleepless hours. I have fits and spurts of grieving. When family, friends, and everyone else seeks information, it is tough to not sob when tackling the numerous tasks. On a good note: everyone is understanding…but still want their information.
3. You’ll receive plenty of offers from family and friends to help so be prepared to give them something:
   1. Be the family contact for their side of the family.
   2. Be the friend contact.
   3. Be in charge of food OR flowers
   4. Determine hotel and rental car arrangements
   5. Organize cleaning the home; this includes donation, recycling, medicine drop-off points, library book returns, etc.
4. Organize the passwords: here’s a nightmare you’ll need to arrange way in advance! An individual’s POA will likely be the person that will need access to all accounts. Beyond the obvious of banking, medical, and financial investments, this includes passwords to all utilities, club memberships, professional organizations, and more. Find out in advance and work with your loved one to refresh and update. The alternative is a lengthy and time-consuming process of hunting, gathering, and clicking “forgot my password”. Spare yourself!
5. Get personal property titles, documents, and beneficiaries aligned. Make sure every vehicle has a TOD designation. Check with your state to find out what other assets need TOD or beneficiary designation.
6. Gather lists of friends, family, and organizations your parent belongs to. This is another task to update regularly. It will fall upon you (or trusted family member) to ensure memberships are cancelled and automatic payments are stopped.
   1. Choose an important date, such as a birthdate or other special time to update and refresh records. Just as you change your smoke detector battery at daylight-savings time, you’ll want to get into the habit of doing this with all these documents, lists, passwords, and other—for you and your loved ones.
7. Find out your parent’s spending and bill-pay habits. My mother utilized 5 different ways to manage spending and bill-paying, and wasn’t consistent. Once a system is established, help your parent maintain that system. When the task is handed over to you, this knowledge will save you hours!

During this week, I received the following comments from family members:

As my daughter witnesses the toil, sleeplessness, and grief—all rolled into one sloppy mess, she asked how well-prepared my documents were. While they are better than what my parents had, I realize there are areas of improvement—of which I initiated the action to correct.

My uncle has been present to help me clean my mother’s apartment. After an hour into the project he stated, “I need to make sure this doesn’t happen to my children.”

My brother, in his own blur of emotion and overwhelm, stated, “I don’t need all the crap I possess. When I get home, I’m getting rid of most of it.” He’s possibly another convert to the minimalist lifestyle.

What action can you take today to prepare for and simplify the process when you are no longer able to? Your family members, POAs, agents, and beneficiaries will be at peace.

And so will you.

Kristen Edens

photo credit: Stuart Miles from freedigitalphotos.net