Helping an Elder with Long-Distance Downsizing

Not too long ago, I helped my mother downsize from her 2400 square foot home to a two-bedroom apartment a few miles away. Following my father’s death and the recent death of two friends, she is eager to be closer to family. This time her move will be 500 miles away and will involve the transfer of more than just belongings; it will include financial, banking, and medical records. With so much to consider for both the elder and the family member(s) helping with the move, a combination of conversation, documentation, and experts will simplify the process.

If you find yourself as the person helping the elder with the process, there are a few must-knows to get you started. First of all, it’s important to involve a trusted family member in the process. It is also critical to recognize the difference between a caregiver and a family representative. Often times, an adult child may act as both caregiver and financial and medical power of attorney (POA). However, it is critical to ensure the family representative is a real family member and not a paid specialist coming in to care for the elder. Too many incidents of elder abuse and scams occur when a paid home health aide, for example, is given sensitive information such as bank accounts and passwords. Avoid trouble and stay on the safe side with a reliable family member.

The Sphere of Trust—Opening Conversations

Now that that’s cleared up, the next task is to discuss who is within the parent’s sphere of trust. Start with these questions:

• Who are the professionals the elder has developed a relationship with over the years? This may include attorneys, financial advisors, estate planners, bankers, and medical professionals.
• Are there additional POAs?
• Are there other friends and family that the elder has chosen?
• How well does the elder know these people?
• How often is the elder in contact with these people?

This is also a time to help the elder understand that it’s important to be open and honest with the family representative. If there were professional or medical situations that were withheld from family members for sensitive reasons, this is now a judgement-free zone where those things don’t matter. What DOES MATTER is that all affairs are managed to make the move and transfer of information as seamless as possible.

Extended Conversations & Gather Documents

Next, you will need to coordinate the conversation with the parent and those within the sphere of trust to determine who is replaceable and who is not. During this process, your elder may balk at ‘letting go’ of some of these long-term associates. If so, remind the elder that these people will not be moving with her and that TOGETHER you will determine what replacements are necessary and whom that will be.

Remember: this is an emotional and stressful time for the elder. Letting go will be a challenge for the elder. Patience and compassion on your behalf will make the transition smoother for all involved.

Furthermore: the elder may get caught up in strolling down memory lane. Allow time for a brief stroll, but gently nudge your elder back on track.

As the representative, this phase also includes gathering and updating information. Documents are likely buried in boxes in the attic or held in digitally secure locations with various medical, financial, and legal entities. You will need to have POA documentation to gain access to many of these documents. Following the legal documentation, you’ll reach out to the needed professionals to determine which documents and records will need to transfer. Subsequently, this is not a task that will occur overnight or a holiday weekend. It requires many hours in conversation with the parent and additional time gathering the needed documents and experts. The more time you allow, the less stress it will cause for you and the elder. Additionally, it allows for the time delay for outside parties to collect their information.

Seeking out Professionals & Experts

By now, you’ll have a collection of names, contact information, and documentation. Keep everything organized by creating categories for health & medical, financial, legal, and any others. Follow up with these questions, geared for the professionals:

• How willing is each expert to provide help or information?
• Will these specialists be willing to introduce her to a peer or contact at the new location?
• How accessible are these people—in person, by phone, email, etc?
• What information does each expert recommend as needed to transfer?

Your conversations with these contacts will provide additional information to ease the process. In the next segment, we’ll discuss what a health specialist recommends. Subsequent articles will cover details on financial, wealth, and moving experts.

What else would you like to know? Comment below or schedule a call using this link to share your experiences.

Kristen Edens
Managing Midlife